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Bad Idea: Even if You’re a Girl

Never Get Stuck in Traffic Again

Matchbox Dispensing Toilet Paper Holder

Save money on those aerosols and buy this: The Matchbox Dispensing Toilet Paper Holder. It’s got a dedicated cradle where you’ll rest a matchbox waiting to burn away all that methane. I think this would be much more awesome, though, if it could be combined with some sort of music device. Just remember to wear your Shit Sombrero and add some grass to your toilet seat to get the full experience.

Product Page $69

A Chocolate Cake Slice of Love Postcard

Nothing says “I miss you, my plump, overweight darling” like sending her a Chocolate Cake Postcard. What at first will excite the overweight girlfriend will quickly dissapoint her when she finds out it’s fake. But a second look will excite her again when she sees that it’s a message from her man. They go for $15 at Etsy.